DIY and My Useless Tools
Posted: Monday, November 08, 2004
by Ieuan Dolby
The Mariners Articles
Wow, it's big! Big and powerful, with a much better grip and that bright green color just finishes it off to perfection? Bigger, stronger, better looking and it comes complete with a free support and a one-years guarantee.
Compared to the dull-grey antique back home, the one that lies pathetically on top of the workbench, there is simply no competition!
STOP!
DIY stores and hardware shops are now off-limits to many males, either through self-enforcement or the wife who has put the kibosh on lone visits (you can go but leave the credit card with me)! To enter this gigantic space, filled with dreams, idealism and fantasies verging on reality, filled to the brim with all that the heart desires, is heart rendering. With half of the tools and equipment in that shop the house back home would be perfect, not to mention the grandparents flat and the mother-in-laws roof - the neighbours would be drooling at the mouth!
Just a few of these tools would put an end to cut-fingers as blunt knives are sharpened within self-enclosed and electrically powered sharpening stones! Gone would be the cracked shin-bones as the super-grip and any-location-balance ladder replaces the rickety one in the garage. Holes would be drilled in seconds before the wife gets home, cabinets would no longer fall off walls as the self tapping, chrome plated screws are placed in correct alignment with the help of the three-dimensional all-terrain spirit level (the one with the luminescent viewfinder for nighttime operations) with computer-controlled sensors! The garden would be perfect as the 20HP self-extracting weed-spotting lawn mower checks the lawn before breakfast and the outhouse would no longer be tilting as the automatic self-tensing, pre-adjustable jacks would carefully analyse the situation and keep it upright until the all-weather, lightweight and 100 years breeze blocks can be fitted into place. Life could be so different with a little help from a friend!
Sneaking out of the house on the pretence of taking the dog for a walk ...... Entering that store enacts awe as the latest in technology steps on toes. The super-drills and grinders all shining brightly, the electric jigsaws screaming, "you need me, you need me", as they soak in the admiring gazes around. Twenty percent off stickers adorn every item and pay-by-installment offers give twinges as the unaffordable suddenly comes within reach! Passing the gleaming spanners and the car springs into the mind, the right tools might actually make it work again. Things could be so different. With the right tool, the right spirit level that clearly shows where the lows and highs are, the floor would not look like crazy paving and stubbing the toes every morning would be a thing of the past! And remember the time when the house was re-wired? If only that perfect Multi-meter had been to-hand, the one that gives a warning signal and bright digital display for working in the dark (maybe the wife would not have electrocuted herself on the lamps new socket)!
Wait! There it is, the dream of all dreams, the mother of all saws, sitting there all alone and speaking volumes to all who pass by. This saw says, "buy me now and all your dreams will come true, you need me in your life". With that saw in-hand there would no longer be any need to buy new furniture. To mend door frames, create a new table, a tree house for the kids and a spice rack for the wife, would all be exercises in simplicity. The saw is so big, so powerful and it comes complete with its own table and a variety of blades to cut through anything from steel to salami. It even says it can cut metal, fix the garage door, fix the fence outside, and so much more. If only it could be in the garage back home, have it working on the house and doing all those things that could never be done due to a lack of proper equipment! Oooh, its not cheap though.
Wait, it has a twenty-percent off sticker on it! Does that sticker mean the price is already down or 20% can be taken off now? Think of the money saved, no more repairmen, no more hiring of expensive tools from the rip-off hire-center down the road and no more buying of furniture, now a simple repair can be done at home and cheaply! An investment that would be worth it in the long-term, an investment for the future and the children's future!
What's this in the pocket - the emergency visa card? I wonder how that got there? This must be a sign from above!
Yes, it is expensive but the wife will understand! Once she sees the goodness, the benefits, the fixed garage door, the cured step that she always trips over and the perfect tree-house for the kids - she will show her love in volumes! Just put it in the garage before she comes home and then get to work eh?
Back home all is quiet and into the garage goes the latest in technological advancement, shifted silently from car to home, swiftly and surreptitiously it treads! Owner and machine are happy and self-satisfied, keen to get started on all that needs to be done. First a bit of space is needed to set up the table and make room for the wood that will be cut to size. A quick clear of the workbenches of the rubbish that is lying around. The screwdrivers that put the screws into wood squint go into the drawer alongside that horrible jigsaw with the blades that always break before the line is finished. The weak electric drill purchased last week in a rash moment ends up in another dusty drawer; the saw bought the week before, well it burnt out so 'to the bin with thee' ....... Not worth fixing that one now is it?
Okay, all the tools are out of the way, the new saw is plugged in it's time to get that wood, the wood to fix the door in the bedroom, to make a kennel for the dog and to install the shelf in the kitchen that the wife has always wanted. With the wood ready to be cut, safety goggles and gloves at the ready it is time to test the new saw. Check around, all is secure, stand back, away and switch on. Oooh, listen to that sound, the lovely purr that comes out as the motor turns over and the blade whizzes around. Oooh, what a lovely sound and so perfect to the ears. Okay here goes ......
..... a few hours later and covered in sawdust it is time to pack up for the day! The wife is back and angry, she is asking about the horrible looking contraption that is sitting on the lawn. It does look a bit lopsided, delicate even and the dog keeps knocking it over with his paws (eventually it collapses inwards). She also inquires into the piece of wood that is hanging on the wall by one bracket, the shelf in the kitchen that is not quire finished and the piece she refers to as 'driftwood'. And what about the bedroom door she says, "where on earth is that"?
All very simple really! The electric drill is too weak and doesn't drill into the plaster properly, thus the screws never catch. The nails used to fix the kennel together were too weak and kept on bending, although it might have been the hammers fault as the handle kept on slipping. The cheap tape measure did not help matters as it was unclearly marked thus the pieces of wood never matched each other. Oh, and the brand new electric saw is all very well, but what is really needed to make proper shelves and things is an automatic sander.
Another visit to the store perhaps?
Except now the wife has cut-up the emergency visa card, after strongly suggesting that next time the dog is taken for a walk it might be wise not to leave the dog behind!
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